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responsibility
What does a healthy relationship even look like? I don’t know if I’ve been in one. I’ve been in a marriage for 20 years, and I still don’t really know, so one of the biggest things towards a
healthy relationship is responsibility, so you have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself as well as your partner; they have to take responsibility for themselves.
What do I mean by that? Does that mean you’re going to be the owner? When you are offended, your moon has been triggered, your ego is involved, and you said something you shouldn’t have.
When you react in an unhealthy way, and I feel like a lot of us, when we get into like discussions or arguments or anything like that, we do know that the stuff we’re feeling is our stuff, but we just want to blame it on someone else.
So being able to accept responsibility for yourself is essential. While it is literally the healthiest thing that you’re going to start doing for yourself, whether you’re in a relationship or not, The same goes for your partner if two people are always taking responsibility for how they feel.
When I tell you a lot of conflicts will not happen in a relationship, you’ll actually have more respect for each other because you know that someone’s kind of owning their stuff and they’re not trying to put it on you. So that is like healthy relationship 101 kind of behavior.
Being able to have conflict and be healthy
So the next thing, and it kind of ties into taking responsibility for ourselves, is being able to have conflict and have it be healthy. So we’re going to get into arguments.
We’re going to get into discussions that might get a little heated because we’re humans and we have egos and all of that type of stuff and a lot of opinions, but being able to have a healthy dialogue with someone else that is respectful and that involves listening to someone else’s side of the story is important. Literally, it’s essential for any relationship.
Let alone your romantic relationship with your partner, it’s essential for your relationships with your friends, coworkers, families, and things like that. Where can you be a healthy adult and have a verbal discussion with someone while keeping your cool?
So holding onto yourself refers to your ability to own your stuff, to accept responsibility for yourself and the energy you put out there. The attitude you project, the tone you speak in, all of that—if we can have healthy conflict, we can really get to the bottom of what’s going on.
empathy
Healthy relationships need empathy. Being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t always agree, is a valuable skill.
Being able to say even to yourself, “While I wouldn’t agree with that,” well, I wouldn’t think the way she or he does, and I have to respect my partner for what they think and how they feel, and as long as it doesn’t jeopardize your own values and beliefs, this is where we’re at.
How does the saying go? Like “pick and choose your battles”? Right? As in, what if it’s something that isn’t really there? It may be hurting you, but you simply need to be able to have a little more empathy for what someone else is feeling, which is extremely healthy because it means you’re learning how to remove your ego from situations and actually be in a space for someone else.
Normal healthy pace
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The next thing, and I really love this, and I feel like people really overlook this in the beginning phases of relationships, is: Is this a healthy relationship?
When you’re codependent or meeting a narcissist, or when you’re codependent and you want to hurry up and get married or fall in love, it’ll go from zero to sixty.
Overlooking red flags because I just don’t care, like I don’t want to think about the red flags Like, I just want what I want, and I’m not using any logic.
I’m just strictly going off of emotion. Your relationship is not progressing at a healthy rate, and when you become healthy, this is why I always say this when you’re healthy.
You will attract a healthy partner because the energies of someone who is healthy are not going to link up with an abuser. That’s simply because you won’t be attracted to that person.
It doesn’t matter what they look like; I’m sure we’ve all met someone like that. Okay. Yeah, they’re attractive, but I don’t want to be with them.
That’s when we talk about there being an energy there that you’re just not even attracted to, so what you want to do is learn how to get yourself in a space where you want to pace yourself in a relationship now.
Why do we pace ourselves? because you need to be with someone for a period of time when you first start dating and while you’re in this relationship to see person A follow through on their words Do their words match their actions, or do their actions match their words?
This is where we really start to build trust in the relationship. This is where we really get to see a person for who they are and their character. Don’t get me wrong: if you decide to marry after a month, there are some things you can’t do.
There have been many people who married quickly and had a successful relationships. I 100% understand, but is it a healthy relationship? Is there a relationship that they can consciously form?
Say, or honestly say to themselves, “Is there a good relationship for that?” and even if there is, that’s absolutely amazing.
I personally think those are kind of one-in-a-million situations. Still, even in those situations, that couple had to learn about each other, learn how to compromise, probably work on themselves, and work on their relationship.
And just like any relationship, it does take work, but you want to make sure that it’s healthy to work.
I don’t want to say “easy work” because it implies that a relationship should be so easy that when you hit a snag, you just give up because it’s not easy, which is one of the many reasons why relationships fail because people believe that the grass is greener on the other side and don’t want to put in the effort that a relationship requires.
But I also think a lot of the time, you’re just linking up with people that are not healthy and not right for you.
respect 5 And the next thing is that you’re honest, which is what most people will say when they think of something like, “Okay, what does a healthy relationship look like?” respect things of that sort, and respect is definitely a big one, and I think that when you really value a person, you’re going to respect their difference of opinion. You’re going to be respected when you set a boundary.
I always say that someone really, really loves you, and this is really for the people that struggle with boundaries, where maybe they struggle just with setting the boundary, and some people actually struggle with really enforcing the boundary.
Enforcing the boundary tends to be more of your own stuff than the other person’s. Setting a boundary is where you struggle with what the other person is going to think of you.
Having to make the decision to have someone not be in your life has to do with you.
It has to do with your own fears and insecurities—things that you have to deal with within yourself—along with respect and value. which I always think is the most important thing because if you don’t value a person, you’re not going to respect them. If you don’t value a person, you’re not going to be loyal to them. If you don’t value a person, then you’re not going, to be honest with them.
As a result, I believe that valuing someone for who they are is essential for not only having a healthy relationship but also a loving relationship. So think about people in your life that you really value.
You value what they bring to the table. You love them for exactly who they are. You are their cheerleader, you support them; those are the best relationships; it’s as if you’re just in your comfort zone with someone, and it just feels really good that they support you and your dreams, and they look at all the hard work you put in and they admire you, and that’s such a great feeling, and we all want that, but it all starts with truly valuing a person.
balance
So the next thing is balance, and this is really important because you have to have equality in the relationship, which means both people coming to the table ready to work on things and make an effort to make the relationship work,
and of course, there will be times when one person is putting in more work than the other absolutely, but I do think that when that shift happens, the other person is aware and they want to keep pointing in an effort as we move forward.
If both people are always putting effort into their relationship, that’s a happy relationship because you’re thinking about all the right things. Let me put this other person first.
If you really focus on those areas, let me treat them the same way I did when I first started dating. You’re going to have a successful relationship. When do you think about the beginning phase of a relationship?
We’re always so kind and caring and sweet and romantic and empathetic, and you know, we validate our partner.
It’s just a really amazing time to be because we’re trying to put our best foot forward.
I honestly feel like that’s something that really lacks in relationships as a relationship begins to progress and marriage happens. Life happens. The aging of parents occurred.
jobs happen kids happen Just bills happen along with everything else that takes over.
Um, it’s hard sometimes, but I don’t want to say it’s hard. Actually, let’s completely erase how we’re treating our partner and the things we’re saying to them,
and when we get frustrated because we’re stressed out at work and we’re taking it out on our partner when we’re you know coming home and like Seeing that maybe our husband had a long day or our partner had a long day,
or our wife had a long day, and the kids are going Crazy and just being aware of what someone else is going through and seeing where you might be able to assist someone and owning your stuff.
I was like, “Hey, I just completely took that out on you.” I’m really stressed out at work.
You didn’t deserve that, and I’m so sorry. Just owning I can’t tell you how important that is and how much it will help your relationship because you’re getting to the bottom of what’s going on inside of you and how you’re taking it out on someone else if both people can do that.
You’ll begin to compromise and communicate better because there’s not going to be projection. There’s not going to be much of this happening because you’re both owning your own stuff.
independence
The next thing to consider is independence, which is both important and appealing.
Both people have to live their own lives. Aside from equality with your partner, you require balance in your own life.
So you have your own circle of friends? You have your own interests that you pursue outside of your relationship.
That is very attractive. And if you are an independent person with your own friends, your own life, and your own happiness, and you get hooked up with someone who is very needy and codependent and doesn’t like to do things for themselves or doesn’t want to put themselves out there, I always say,
“Not cute, not Q,” and you will not be attracted to that person, there will be things that will really upset you because you’ve done all this work and you’ve created your own happiness,
This may be their life lesson, but they’re not doing the work as well, and they want to kind of always tag along.
They always need to be around you, and there are wonderful things to say about them.
You realize that having distance from a partner means having distance from anyone, right? It makes the heart grow fonder.
It makes you appreciate and value someone, and it gives you time away. So that you can work on yourself, go to the gym. go to the spa Go play basketball with your buddies.
Just do your own thing because being in a relationship doesn’t completely change your life; you’re in a relationship because you’re with someone to share your life with,
but you’re not suddenly becoming one, and you both have to have all the same interests and all the same friends, and do everything together; who wants to be in that kind of relationship?
Be silly
And the last thing, which kind of just ties into everything It’s like the icing on the cake, like, “Be silly.” You know life can be stressful.
It can be difficult at times because we have a lot of responsibilities, regardless of our age or length of time with someone.
be silly Learn to be in the moment, learn to have fun, learn to be a kid again, and learn to laugh Learn to get out of your comfort zone That’s when we’re having the most fun, right?
If we look at children, if we look at a little child It’s Hodler, where the reason they’re so happy is because they’re in the moment of life.
They’re not worried about tomorrow. They’re not thinking about yesterday. They’re just kind of in the moment of what they’re doing It doesn’t matter what you’re doing.
You could be in the kitchen cooking. You could be doing nothing but sitting on the couch. Put on some music. Be silly.
Dance around and flirt with your partner Just be playful with each other and don’t take everything. So seriously
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