Open Relationship: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself

Open Relationship: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself:- Many of us grew up with a “happily ever after” kind of soul love narrative, but this cultural ideal is far from universal reality or even universal desire. Just as someone can have multiple friends who meet different social needs, there are many people, myself included, who want multiple romantic or sexual partners.

And if so, and you’re already committed to a partner, it makes sense that you care about the idea of an open relationship. This decision is very personal, of course, and it’s important to recognize that open relationships, where two partners agree to have sex and/or love outside of their existing relationship, are not for everyone.

What are the good ground rules for an open relationship? 

Open relationships: 6 questions to ask yourself 
6 rules for doing everything right in an open relationship.

• Set sexual boundaries…
• Set emotional boundaries…
• Establish who it’s cool to hook up with…
• Figure out how much time you’ll spend with other partners…
• Decide how you’ll talk about your relationships with each other and others…
• Discuss how often you will check in…

They can feel complicated and sometimes downright messy, not only because many of us live in societies that don’t support non-monogamy but also because open relationships can lead to issues of jealousy, boundaries, and relationship goals.

They can be quite intense to navigate. That said, they can be incredibly rewarding. To help you determine whether any type of open arrangement makes sense for your love life, we asked Dulcinea Alex Pythagoras, Ph.D., LCSW, a New York-based therapist who specializes in non-monogamous relationships, about the most important things to consider before opening up. a pre-existing relationship.

What are the most commonly asked relationship questions? 

What are the most commonly asked relationship questions? 

This Was The Most Googled Question About Relationships In 2022! 

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like? … 
How Do You Know Your Relationship Is Over? …
How to get out of a toxic relationship? …
How to get over a relationship? …
What is an open relationship? …
How to save your relationship? …
What is a poly relationship?…

Open Relationship: 6 Questions to Ask Yourself

1. How would you define an “open relationship”?

 If you are researching this topic for the first time, chances are you will come across many new words, but the generic term for most types of open relationships is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), a dynamic in which transparency and communication are at the heart of the decisions you and your partner make.

Polyamory, having more than one intimate relationship at a time, is a way of practicing NME, but there are different types of polyamorous arrangements.

For example, you may end up realizing that you align better with a “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, in which you prioritize one primary relationship over others. Or you might prefer “non-hierarchical polyamory,” where all partners treat each other equally.

Swinging is another form of NME where engaged couples engage in strictly sexual activities with other couples or singles at the same time. Or maybe a couple wants to date other people together, whether that be with an occasional casual hook-up or in an entirely new relationship structure (like a triad, with three partners being equally committed to one another).

Whether you strongly identify with a preexisting structure or not, it’s important to remember that ethical nonmonogamy can be about rewriting the scripts we’re often given when it comes to love and sex—which means you’re free to create whatever structure works for you and your partner(s). 

 2. Do you really want to have this open relationship?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might consider opening up their existing relationship. A 2022 article published in the journal Sexologies outlined eight potential motivations for polyamory, including fulfillment of needs not met in a monogamous relationship, expression of political values, and the desire to belong to a community.

Asking yourself and your partner whether you’re drawn to having more sex, more love, or some combination of the two can help you start to identify your motivations for exploring an open relationship—as well as whether or not you could both get your needs met by ENM.

3. Do you want to “fix” a troubled relationship?

Non-monogamous behavior is not a magic bullet for all relationship problems. For example, sometimes one partner has come to identify as heterosexual and the other has not, but perhaps feels that they need to accept heterosexuality in order to “save” the relationship. In these words, Dr.

Pitagora says that it can mean that one or both partners end up compromising part of their identity or relationship goals, which can end up destroying the relationship.

The same goes for partners who are undeniably committed but who may be “too complicated or dependent to break up,” they say. It may seem like irreconcilable differences in the wishes of the parents (perhaps one wants children, while the other does not), conflicting morals and values, or old problems of simply falling in love.

“Exploring people who are not of the same sex allows for the identification of strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which allows for personal and relationship improvement,” they added. “With this growth, one can understand that an open structure can help both partners to be satisfied or the relationship is not working.”

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about boundaries?

Even in strong relationships (between parents and children, best friends, or romantic partners), many of us struggle to communicate our needs. However, for people who are developing in a relationship, it is very important to learn their limits and respect them well, Dr. Pythagoras said.

There are many important conversations to have when considering bringing other people into your love life, including discussions about the practicalities of your situation: where to meet other people; where you will be intimate; whether you introduce them to friends, family, or children; how you would like to spend your time; and many others. And those boundaries may need to be negotiated to make sure that both people are comfortable in the environment.

If you have trouble sharing your boundaries, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a good, open relationship. Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your fears.

You can say something like, “I’m curious about an open relationship, but I’m worried that I won’t be able, to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” If your partner isn’t receptive and reassuring, that’s a sign that starting the relationship probably isn’t a good idea, they say, since, again, communication and respecting boundaries are crucial for ENM to work.

If having this conversation scares you, you may want to take some time to learn to set boundaries before continuing to explore ENM. Dr. Pythagoras suggests that you first communicate your needs in “low-key situations,” such as expressing an unspoken boundary with your best friend, something like, “I’m glad we’re not texting.” every time after 10:00 pm when I have to get up early for work the next day. Can we continue to do this and call it too much? “

You can try the extreme—perhaps asking your less-than-ideal friend not to text you after 10 p.m. Finally, you can raise the bar by telling your partner what you are and are not comfortable with when it comes to open relationships. “It is a continuous process that will eventually become easier with time and repetition,” said Dr. Pythagoras. They also note that if you find it difficult to express your needs and limits in a relationship, individual therapy can be very beneficial.

5. When you feel jealous in your relationship, What do you do?

Whether you’re monogamous or not, jealousy is one of those very human emotions that can creep up even when you don’t necessarily expect it. If you’re opening up your relationship, however, you’ll have to be willing to dissect the heck out of those feelings and contemplate the ways your jealousy might be a problem.

For instance, do you lash out with aggression or become insular and unwilling to discuss your feelings? Or maybe you ignore those feelings entirely and pretend everything is okay while they eat you up inside? All of these reactions are signs that your jealousy could get in the way of the healthy communication required for a successful open relationship.

“Jealousy, like all emotions, has valuable information about what we need to heal from or needs that are not being met,” said Dr. Pythagoras. The reality of an open relationship is that it can bring jealousy to the fore, but in the end, it can give partners a chance to think. Being calm, reflecting on your feelings, and cooperating with your partner is a good way to deal with jealousy, and you can do it before starting a relationship, they add.

For example, maybe the idea of many partners makes you not aware of the strength of your relationship before, and the time you spend with the couple can help reduce this discomfort. Or maybe you realize that you feel valued and that sharing the housework will help you feel more grateful before you consider this open plan.

6. Are you dependent on others to validate your worth?

Self-acceptance is being advertised to us right and left these days and there is a lot of noise out there about how you have to love yourself before you can love someone else (or more people, in this case). But that journey is usually not linear, and you don’t necessarily have to “love yourself completely” (whatever that means) before welcoming other types of love into your life.

“Humans need other humans to live and feel validated by the love of others is healthy, regardless of their level of security,” explains Dr. Pythagoras. Indeed, feeling loved or validated by others can ultimately boost personal feelings of self-worth, they say, in a psychological phenomenon known as positive “reflex evaluations”: when people perceive another person’s evaluation as positive, their perception of oneself can be even more positive.

That said, “if someone is completely dependent on someone else’s love and validation for a feeling of self-worth, it can be problematic, as they may not be able to function if that other person is no longer available to provide love and validation.” So says Doctor Pythagoras. “And if working on self-compassion makes you feel really uncomfortable for someone, I’d say they probably fall into that category.”

Basically, you shouldn’t necessarily rely on another person (or multiple partners) for your complete sense of self-worth or accomplishment, but you shouldn’t be ashamed of craving more love and validation from others. And if that love and confirmation come in the form of an open relationship that is good for all parties involved, then ethical non-monogamy could be your happy ending.

As Dr. Pythagoras states if both partners feel that an open relationship can help meet some of their unmet emotional and/or physical needs and “a couple has good communication practices, a foundation of trust, and a willingness to commit hard, which usually goes at the beginning of a non-monogamous learning curve, so I say do it.”

FAQs, open relationship